Tonight Jimmy asked me where…
I thought his mom was and if she still remembered us. What a difficult question. I said at first yes but then I had to qualify it with a I’m not sure. I think so but am I certain? No.
If he had asked me years ago I might have said she went to heaven and yes she was aware and remembered us, him in particular. Tonight I said I believe when we die we are absorbed back into the energy of the earth and while we’re aware we are not the same.
My concept of God has changed over the years. When I was little I thought of him as an old man in the form of a marble statue and somewhere in the back of my mind I think I still do. I’m afraid in this regard I can not be modern thinking and refer to him as she. In my mind he’s probably always going to be that old marble guy. I’ve no clue why, I just do.
That being said who is God, really?
Religion, to me, is just another viewpoint of God or someone’s perception of God. I’ve come to believe religion limits God to what man thinks he should be, not what he is or could be. I used to be so conflicted about religion. Who was right, who was wrong. Charles de Lint, although I’m positive he didn’t mean to, helped me with that in a book he wrote. It is after all a book about a pagan god. Greenmantle is its name. A great book and, I’m convinced, was God’s way of reaching me to ease my mind. I worried and fretted about it a lot. In reading this book I realized God is perceived differently depending on who the person is and it’s ok. There doesn’t have to be a right or wrong. Once I realized this I was at peace and so grateful for it.
So where does God come from? Is he an alien? Is he really a she and is she Gaia or the earth? The earth’s energy? Or is he a concept come in to being by the energy created by the billions , probably more, who’ve put so much energy and faith into his existence? Those are the many questions I’ve asked myself over the years and I don’t have an answer. I just have a lot of fun asking the questions and imagining the answers. In the end I believe and I gave my oath as a teenager I would never stop believing. I think it’s why I have the courage and faith to explore different religions. I enjoy learning about them and I don’t feel threatened. I already know what I believe and nothing can change for me my belief that God exists.
What I don’t know is what happens after death. I think it depends on what form God takes for you. Years ago, it was heaven. As a child I always pictured palaces with streets paved in gold. I think I saw that in a picture somewhere, maybe one of those bible story books? As a teenager when I was angsting over who was right, Baptists, Holiness, or Catholic or maybe the Mormons I did a lot of reading. There is one book that theorized that one of the Biblical figures was taken by God in a space ship. I can’t remember who. I just remember the shock and grief I felt. If God was so powerful, what did he need with a spaceship? Now I can look back at myself and laugh. I took religion and myself way too serious back then. The guy who wrote the book was probably doing what I do now. It’s nonsense, of course, but what a concept. These days I go with the energy theory. I don’t think there’s a heaven per se and I’m ok with the thought of rejoining the earth’s energy. If you think about it, it ties in nicely with the reincarnation theory.
Jimmy had another theory. I didn’t really understand it. Something about neurons in the brain being released and transferring to another body? Maybe? I’m not sure but perhaps he’ll respond to this blog and explain it better than I can.
Now I’m at the point where I’m fighting a battle of my own. A fear of death. I know why I have this fear. What a damn monkey on my back. I’m mad that I let myself get brainwashed by this. But how was I to know? It’s been drilled in my head since I was a child. There were signs but I didn’t recognize them until recently when I went through a really stressful time and I was digging around in my brain trying to figure out what the hell? I’m not sure I want to know if there’s anything else floating around in there. I’m shuddering here. Probably.
I’m actually using this fear in Moonfire. It is one of the motivating factors of why Maxen wants Tegan. He has a fear of death and he thinks he knows she can bring the dead back to life. What he doesn’t know is about Eld. He thinks it’s all Tegan. I’m going to have fun with that. Still, I am using him to work through my own fears. I suspect this will be a common theme for me in any books or stories I write.
Surprise! I just found the book. I still have it. The Spaceships of Ezekiel by Josef F Blumrich. Now that I’ve got it in hand I think I’ll read it again with an adult perspective. I’ll revisit this issue in the future.