Fat Tuesday: Never-End

Most everyone has certain truths they acknowledge if not out loud then in their deepest, darkest of hearts for maybe a second or so.  Here are two of mine: tomorrow never comes and I can’t keep my mouth shut.

All my life I’ve dreamed of being skinny.  As a girl I kept thinking tomorrow I’ll start a diet then in a few months I’ll get to wear those cool new styles out this year. Nope. There was always a reason the diet wasn’t started: I was feeling bad, it was Wednesday and it needed to start on Monday to start the week right, or maybe a holiday was coming up so I wanted to wait until it was over. You know, nonsense like that.

Sometimes I did start the diet and I did lose weight. But after a while I burned out by doing stupid stuff like weighing myself several times a day. The worst part was when I became convinced I wasn’t going to eat ‘normal’ like everyone else again.  Long horrifying years flashed before my eyes. Depression set in. It is not surprising why I got discouraged only weeks into a diet.

One thing I will say is I did get to wear some cool clothes. The only problem was I didn’t enjoy them because I was too self-conscious. I didn’t think I was thin enough or at least I wasn’t in my mind. Looking back at old pictures I wonder what was wrong with me. I was fine. Today I’d be thrilled to be that size again.

Over the years I’ve missed doing things with my kids, trips to the beach, to carnivals and amusement parks, skiing, travelling, buying clothes, swimming and all kinds of things because…well, because I can’t keep my mouth closed. The reasons I find to eat are legion.

I eat because I’m happy, sad, it’s a holiday, I’m mad, it’s not a holiday, to celebrate, just because, because I’m going on a diet, because I’ve lost weight, to punish myself, to punish someone else (don’t say it cause I know), I’m hungry, stressed, nervous, bored, excited, I have a craving, I’m mad, I’m worried, I’m in pain, I’m sick and I could go on. You get the picture I’m sure.

For someone like myself it is and will always be a never-ending battle to lose weight and keep it off. I’ve been this size for a long time now, nearly thirty years. Several years ago I lost over fifty pounds only to put it back on. What has my scales groaning in protest now? I’m out of control. Since January I have gained another ten pounds.  I really, really don’t need to gain any more weight.

Last week I ate cake…the whole thing by myself. Now granted it wasn’t a big cake, just a round one layer. But still who does that? For sure healthy people don’t. A whole bag of peppermint patties was eaten in one sitting not two days later. This doesn’t count the crap in between. Even after eating all that I was still craving the stuff. I’m an addict to sugar and the products it is used in.

The peppermint patty bag along with other candy wrappers are still in the trash can beside my desk but no others have joined them since Friday. That’s how many days? Two. Don’t misunderstand me. If candy had come my way I would have ate it. It’s only by accident I haven’t. Holly brought me some fudge from the beach but forgot to give it to me; she took it home to Maryland instead.

I’ve craved sugar all day dreaming of peanut butter junky and cream filled chocolate chip cookies. But you know something? Writing this blog has helped. I’m going to make it through today, too. Thanks for the help.

Giving up sugar altogether is seriously unrealistic. The plan for now is keeping the sugar to a minimum; special occasions or even having only a single serving is the goal. Moderation is what I’m aiming for. Weight loss will come, I hope.

Tuesdays are the days I want to document my struggle with this disease, mental issue, no self-control/discipline, addiction or whatever you choose to call it. It’s a problem for me whatever the name. While I don’t expect to cure it, I would like to control it. Just that much would be nice. In fact it would be excellent.

This week’s reason to lose weight: My feet and legs are hurting worse. They have hurt for a long time now but I suspect this recent weight gain may have added some pain.

Things in my refrigerator: 2% low-fat milk, yogurt butter, 2% low-fat cheese, a carton of strawberries, a bag of carrots, all natural eggs, honey-roasted turkey lunch meat, Welch’s Sparkling grape juice, orange juice, baking soda, condiments, premium romaine salad mix, several Yoplait light yogurts of different varieties, 4% cottage cheese, apples, celery, a cucumber. There’s a few more things along those lines but I can’t remember what they are.

Do you have a weight problem? Are you doing anything to control it? What kind of diets have you tried? What is your favorite food or dessert? What’s in your refrigerator? Did you think I was going to talk about Mardi Gras? Sorry, but the title sort of fits given the subject, doesn’t it?

 

Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Curio’s Past, Shhh.